Sobering - my very bad mommy day

Last night the kids were playing outside & I was inside with the door open when I heard Max start crying... the HURT cry.  I ran outside & found Max laying on his back by the trampoline.  He had been trying to climb up & the big kids didn't want him on there so they pushed him down.  He landed with his head less than an inch from the edge of the concrete patio.

I of course FREAKED out at Nathan & Alexa.  They went to bed immediately (it was 7pm) & didn't fall asleep until after 8 but didn't even come out of their room.  They knew they were in trouble.

All I could think about is that if he had been pushed just a little harder, he could have cracked his head on the patio.  He could have died.

That sounds really dramatic but any mother would understand.

So to avoid obsessing about it, & because I felt defeated, I took a sleeping pill and was asleep before 8:30.

Then today... I took the kids to the park.  Our park is right next to a lake.  The kids have a strict rule that they can't go past the sidewalk because on the other side is a steep hill down into the water.  I usually sit on the bench on that side of the park so make sure they don't go over there.  But today some of my friends were already at the park when I got there so I went to talk to them.  I didn't realize Max wasn't on the playground with the other kids-- that he was chasing the ducks & had crossed the sidewalk.

All of the sudden, I looked over, & Max was walking over the top of the hill.  He was soaked from the waste down.  He had, I assume, chased the ducks down the hill & slipped at the bottom & went into the water.

Max's motor skills are still not great.  What if he had tripped & gone head first into the water?  What if we hadn't had a severe drought & the water had been deeper right there?  What if...???

 My brother, Nathan, drowned in a lake when he was 3.  There were at least 10 adults around & no one saw him go into the water.  They estimate he was only in there for 3 minutes total.  THREE MINUTES.

I am going to be tormented by today for a while.  How could I let this happen?  One of my children drowning is such a huge fear of mine.  How could I be so careless?  I'm a more careful mother than that.  I really am!

I feel very grateful to my Heavenly Father for protecting my baby.  Both last night & today.  So so grateful.  I could have lost him.  I could have been totally ruined today.  Thank you, Lord.

After it happened, I called Sam & cried.  He told me not to be so hard on myself.

I will never let that happen again.  I will be sitting on that bench by the sidewalk whenever I go to the park.  No conversation with a friend, or book, or phone call will ever be more important than watching my kids when around water.  End of story.